When a lady friend half my age lost her one true soulmate, she shared her daily deep battle with despair and confusion: Had she done the right thing? Could she have tried harder to keep him alive? Why had she been so mean to him so often?
I am an old man, and I have discovered that when women confide, they are not asking for advice, so much as wording an inward process.
During that (frequent) process wherein I listened and commiserated, she came up with some very good answers, and she gave me permission to include some of her conclusions with you, because sooner or later we do all go through the heartmake of a death or a broken heart…
On that short day when your soulmate or lover or pal says something in an especially cold and distant voice, something along the lines of “you are a robot”, or “you’re not who you seemed to be" or in general angry terms just demeans you or strips you of all self-respect, you do sorta miss that old line: "It’s not you, it’s me."
Bad endings, sharp unexplained break-ups, le fin d’amour— whatever you call it, ending an intimate relationship is painful, and can make scars that last weeks, or months—sometimes the scars last longer than the relationship did..
So maybe you could listen briefly please to a very old man who listened to a young woman who has loved many and lost love often. by talking about an `aloe vera’ that can help you heal from those wounds, sooner than you might think.
When “it” ends, make sure you both have the chance to say exactly what you enjoyed, and discuss why it just didn’t work out as you had hoped. Tough as it sounds now, you both should then avoid all contact with the ex. That might seem harsh, but as sure as the rain wets and lovesongs make you blue now, you will have to kick the habit of being-with-your-ex, and that has to start today, my dear junkie, cold turkey.
Yes, you could try to be friends, or just pals, but that doesn’t help either of you heal, it just gives false hopes or increased frustration.
Utter incomunicado is the best way for each of you to more easily move on after love has gone away, or has been run over.
Face it, the chances of getting back together any time soon are slim, so do try to move on. Get over it. No one ever got a lover back by begging on your knees. Whenever it ends, and everything ends, do remember to wake up every day, maybe noticing you are still breathing, not lying abed crying, and do have fresh food, and take exercise, and for goodness sake, shampoo—and try to look with kindness at other people in the street who are laughing or glum or are with someone. Even though they look happy, they may be suffering too, in their own way, and they are all a lot like you, not expecting their happiness to end.
Listen bubbala, they get along, and so can you, soon. Have a piece of fruit.
Get on with your life, increase your activites, read more books, take longer walks, and for those first few days you can recall those great times you had together. But let it go soon, do not relive the past for too long. You have to heal first, and to heal you will have to grieve, alone-but just for a while.
So… who can help you now? Someone who has gone through it many, many times? They may be so bitter the advice they give is less than helpful. Seek out someone instead whom you know went through only one really bad split-up, yet seems happy now. Ask that person how they came out on the other side so balanced.
Meantime, maybe you could consider ”Relationship Advice"… its short, kind, and my lady friend found it salvific.